if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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