all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Im part way to drunk.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
