Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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