Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
