i love accidental penises.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
ttyl tear gas
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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