tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
