i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
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