Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
