I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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