Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
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