I can't breathe out the right side of my face
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
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