oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
