I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Randomize
