i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
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