Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
