Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
