i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
