I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
