So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
