I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize