I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
