do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
