So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
