I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
