I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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