This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
