He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
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