The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
