I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize