I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
