Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i just googled coccaine effects on sexual performance..maybe im dating the wrong guy
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize