Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
