when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize