thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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