I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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