I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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