i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
