I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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