Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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