who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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