***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
