we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
