it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize