Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
