If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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