I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
