I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
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