is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
