Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Randomize
