i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
