Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
