I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
