you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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