For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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