There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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