Your mouth is God's brothel.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
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