You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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