I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
