i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
