ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
